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Bean

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I posted this on Kelsey's comment wall, but I thought I'd put it here. [Jan. 19th, 2008|12:37 am]
Bean
So you speak to me of sadness
And the coming of the winter
Fear that is within you now
It seems to never end
And the dreams that have escaped you
And the hope that you've forgotten
You tell me that you need me now
You want to be my friend
And you wonder where we're going
Where's the rhyme and where's the reason
And it's you cannot accept
It is here we must begin
To seek the wisdom of the children
And the graceful way of flowers in the wind
For the children and the flowers
Are my sisters and my brothers
Their laughter and their loveliness
Could clear a cloudy day
Like the music of the mountains
And the colours of the rainbow
They're a promise of the future
And a blessing for today
Though the cities start to crumble
And the towers fall around us
The sun is slowly fading
And it's colder than the sea
It is written from the desert
To the mountains they shall lead us
By the hand and by the heart
They will comfort you and me
In their innocence and trusting
They will teach us to be free
For the children and the flowers
Are my sisters and my brothers
Their laughter and their loveliness
Could clear a cloudy day
And the song that I am singing
Is a prayer to non believers
Come and stand beside us
We can find a better way


RIP Juan Casimiro and Efren Najera
xxxx
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Tony and Efren [Jan. 18th, 2008|01:23 am]
Bean
[mood |devastated]

Tony,

Wow.. I am so not prepared to write this. We were supposed to live crazy and die at 100--not you at 23. Your smile, your love, your ability make everything right for those around you.. I'm still in shock that you won't be able to to do it anymore. You never had it easy, but you were always so determined to come out on top. You deserved that chance. You deserved so many fucking chances. I saw you the other day, and we laughed about your suspension from work for not showing up on new years day ontime. I meant what I said, it would be just like the old days, if only you could be here to see the new ones too. I hope you had the best fucking new years ever, kid. I hope you rang that new years bell for all it was worth. You had a charm about you that is so hard to match. No matter what went wrong, even if you caused it, you always had a solution that could make people laugh and be okay again. What went wrong yesterday? Efren--I don't blame you, and even if I did, it wouldn't make a difference now. I just can't believe that the two of you are gone forever. How can we justify this? How can we believe there is a reason for death when two wonderful, creative, and determined young men are dead? It makes no fucking sense. I don't know what to do other than to just remember your face, smiling always, walking back into work that day. Juan/Tony Casimiro and Efren Najera. You will be missed and loved forever.

Til we meet again, and please God we will.

Love you always.

xxxxx
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And now the job search begins.. [May. 12th, 2007|02:01 am]
Bean
[Current Location |My Flat, London UK]
[mood |aggravateddiscouraged]
[music |Finale--> Les Mis (yeah, talk about uplifting..)]

Yay college is over..now get a job.


FUCK!

Today alone I've applied to:

The Boston Center for the Arts--> Program Associate (part-time)
United South End Settlements Childrens Arts Centre-->Class Teacher (freelance)
United South End Settlements Center for Adult Education-->Class Teacher (freelance)

I'm also thinking about working at Starbucks for extra hours, maybe asking the folks at CYT if they need class teachers, and working at Broccoli Hall directing Plays A Quarter.


PLUS: taking classes at Harvard Extension School


I am going to be working my fucking ass off if I get all this..which I most probably won't..urgh. Why is non-profit work so NOT lucrative??? Can't I just go back to college and take the BA How To Be An Instant Millionaire degree? I think that would be much more pleasurable..even if they just handed me the money..

GAH.
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Tomorrow [May. 9th, 2007|03:41 pm]
Bean
TOMORROW

IS

MY

LAST

DAY

OF

COLLEGE....

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Touching Ground (literally and theatrically) [Mar. 4th, 2007|08:52 am]
Bean
[Tags|, , , , ]
[Current Location |My Flat, London UK]
[mood |tired but happy]
[music |Hear My Song--> Songs for a New World]

What a crazy week! I'm surprised I survived. Most excitingly though, to start:

*FPP--Touching Ground
The reading went really really well. It was received very positively by my tutors and peers. Some of them seemed shocked that the ditzy blonde boy actually wrote something of substance..I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or insult. There were definitely lines and sections of it that needed to be rewritten before the hand-in, so it was good to have the reading to have that information. The new draft was read by a called Ruben, one of the prospective Assistant Directors at the Globe Theatre, and he deemed it a "solid piece of theatrical writing." which was very exciting to hear. He also said he would be interested in having it performed Off-West End for a night, with him directing, just to see what others thought of it. That is insane..insane but exciting. I have never written "straight" theatre/drama before, so for this to be such a success is quite validating. I think in some ways, I was as skeptical as some of the audience at the reading, but with such positive feedback, I guess I'm starting to believe I have a brain afterall. My tutor feedback was positive, she agreed that there were sections that needed to be broadened, and some that needed to be underwritten. I agree with her to a limit, and I think the new draft is a good compramise. It's a bit strange to be editing this late in the game, but I think it's working. I've worked hard for this start to say a lot, without actually saying it. It's more Pinter-esque in that regard. In short, I think the hard work and hours have paid off. What a relief. Now it's just up to the examining board and my tutors. I'm hoping for a first. I really, really am! It would be great, as the piece is set in Boston, and with the "1st" grade, it would be a great piece to show off when I get back.

*The Social World
It never really changes. The same people, the same drinks, the same music. I suppose after three years, it would lose its excitement. I'm not saying I'm not enjoying school anymore, and that I won't be sad to leave, but it does get to a point where you can only spend so many hours in the SU or in a club without getting that feeling of "I feel my brain rotting..as we speak." It will be nice to be home again, to just be able to lay back and relax, watch TV and not feel like I need to put in a public appearance at the bar to stay socially recognisable. It gets old. Dan is still being an idiot. I don't think it's his fault, I think it's just his way. Too bad. He was a good mate to have, I think it's just gotten to complicated for him. C'est la vie, I suppose.

*This Week's Party Planner
Oh jeez. After complaining about partying, I am gonna sound like a hypocrite. Wednesday night was absolutely ridiculously insane. Went out after the SU to Walkabout with Reeda, Abbey, Jo, Soph and Sarah and got sorted drunk, then proceeded to Tottenham Court Road to celebrate Fee, Donna, Izzy and Andrea's fantastic FPPs. Was out until about 5am. Passed out, and woke up just in time to run the DATE interview day. There's nothing like trying to be functional to a bunch of interviewees while nursing a very painful hangover. After running the open day, went to see the FPP performances in Studio 1. They were fantastic, and ended up back at Izzy's (with her parents..awkward) smoking a helluva lot of weed and drinking rather poisonous white wine. Got back to mine around 7:30ish, and was back in Central at 10:00 to speak to a group of over-16s about choosing to go to university, and recommending Central as a good choice. I repeat the sentiment of trying to be functional. Not pleasant. Friday night decided to stay sober and just hang out in the bar, however everyone was heinously drunk, so there was little point. Saturday and Sunday was spent at Nancy's working on "Touching Ground" and hanging out. Ended up at a party in Kilburn, which, of course lead to huge amount of Nancy drama..but it's Nancy, so who can really be surprised.

Spring Break
I am so excited. Only two weeks to go. Thank GOD! I love London, but I'm enjoying being home more and more. It makes me wonder if I get a choice between BU and RSAMD/Central, which will I pick. I've enjoyed the independent international life, but there are a few things I've realised:

-It's impossible to have a steady relationship with anyone, American or English, when you're constantly jetting between the two continents

-I've run away from Boston, maybe it's time to go back and face the music.

-Maybe my energy for adventure has finally run out. I feel like I've missed out on the traditional college education and college "experience"--grad school might be a good time to get back into it. I'll be 21, everything will be legal. I can just chill out. Sweet.




So that is my rambling for this week. I think I covered all the bases. Rock On to Spring Break!!!
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FINAL PRACTICAL PROJECT!! WAHOOO! [Jan. 29th, 2007|08:13 am]
Bean
[Tags|]
[Current Location |My Flat, London UK]
[music |Circle-->Edie Brickell]

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


I cannot believe my FPP is going up this week. It seems like it should happen in another year--I'm not ready to graduate yet! ICK! Ah well. Phil, Fee, Kate and Squib are reading it, and it's coming along very well. The accents are the funniest--trying to turn Londoners into homeless Bostonians..now that is acting. I'm really excited about it though, as it's the first play that I've written that's going into official production. Nuts!! The great thing though is that the actors understand the script, and understand where it needs to go, so there's very little direction needed. I'm also happy with the script. It works, I was afraid it wouldn't, but it really does. Kate's version of "Circle" is masterful, and really closes the show well. I want to keep developing it, and bring it to Boston sometime next year, which will be very exciting. It's nice to know that once I've graduated, I have a project to work on and produce. YAY!
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Starting over.. [Jan. 18th, 2007|12:20 pm]
Bean
[Current Location |my flat, london, UK]
[music |Circle-->Edie Brickell]

Let me start over. Get me off of this continent and away from the bullshit. Let me run in the summer, through the bending branches of concord. across the bridges and the small winding river. let me cross the street, away from the city, away from the smog. a small town doesn't seem so bad when you're only a number. it's now so different, and i don't know why. maybe spending so much time in one place tarnishes the other. country or country mine? which one is it? i'm counting the days til i get back on the plane, the condensed air pushing against my ears, better than the pressures i got to deal with here. ready to jump, ready to soar, but everyone keeps locking my goddamned door. i don't want to fail, throw my arms up in defeat, i just want to live, breathe, drink and eat. get me a new life, let me start over, get me off of this continent and away from the bullshit.



my dissertation is shit.

my ex cheated on me with 9 different people in one month

my professors don't seem to notice that i'm back in the country..which means i probably could have stayed at home.

i'm sick of smiling the world away.


get me back to my starbucks, the land of triple mochas.

let me live through this month, and i will be a happy person. i promise.
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The Last Few Daze of Term... [Dec. 7th, 2006|03:33 pm]
Bean
I cannot believe how fast this term has flown by. It has definitely had its moments, positive and negative, but it flowny by! Last night went to the SU and then went back to Sophie's. Good night, slightly emotionally battering--stuck between two people who really like me, and I'm just my normal klutzy "haha..what a joke..oh. shit. you're serious..fuck." Had an interesting game of "21 truth or dare" and "i have never"--i thought went i graduated from high school those games would disappear. NOPE. They just get more and more inappropriate. Memorable moments:

Tom's vibrator
Sophie's neck
Dan's favorite position
Lawrence's penis.

No..nothing went down. Don't start gossiping.haha.

Anyways, today is a kinda wasted day. Apparently I have about $900 in my bank account, but no one seems to know where it is, or why I can't withdraw anything. Sliightly bizarre.

Tomorrow is the PANTO with EMMA! YAAAYY! Finally, after two years in this damn country, I will finally see a proper pantomine. SORTED!
Tomorrow is also the last day of term. I think the general idea is "Let's get fucking wankered" I have no qualms with this plan. At all.

Saturday is Boston, MA. crazy crazy crazy.

Sunday is SLEEEEEP (thank god)


Now it's tiem for me to eat lunch. Eat, Jaike. Eat.
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(no subject) [Nov. 25th, 2006|03:14 pm]
Bean
Where am I? Who am I? What's going on, and why is that asian lady speaking german?
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Why does nothing make sense? Am I in Wonderland?? [Nov. 21st, 2006|11:23 pm]
Bean
[mood |confusedconfused as mutha-fucking HELL]

Okay...my life is complleeetely out of control. I have no idea who's coming, who's going, what's coming, what's going, or anything. This past week has been so confusing because of Him, school, placement, and friends. Mostly Him though. I don't know what he wants--worse, I don't think he knows either. He throws around sentiment, but I have the sliight suspicion he doesn't mean it, but thinks it's what I want to hear. I only want to hear it if it's genuine. I don't know whether to miss Him or not..or just let it slide like a high school day. At least for one of us it is..or is it? Who the fuck knows.

The trip left today--very few goodbyes, mostly "see ya's", which I guess is good, but I wonder if the wait had been longer, things would be clearer? Or is it better to have an idea now? My mom and I are okay again..it just happens so roughly when we're not. The next two weeks are gonna be so hard. I've just seen my parents and friends, and now I have to wait like 16 grueling days to do it again. I just want to be home, with Disney, Dana and the slags. Life is simple then--or at least when things with Him are clear. Ugh. I look like a pathetic idiot over this, and I really don't want to. But I can't keep track of anything, and I'm not sure I can anymore. I just want a line drawn in the sand, but there won't be a line until He draws it...which could be for a while. Christ.


I am so overwhelmed, it's not even funny. The first funding application was drafted today. Go team! Hopefully it will go through, but as it's my first, it probably will not. My FPP proposal has been accepted, and I have a meeting with Lynne to go over details. I'm hoping I'll be home "detoxing" from my life very soon. Even though it's gonna hurt like hell when it's over. GAH. SOO stupid.

Baz is in my bed. What a joke that one is. God, why can't something as simple as life be uncomplicated? Or at least, if Life can't be simple..why can't just ONE fucking aspect of it be simple? Is that really too much to ask? Or has it been simplified, and I'm just fighting my way back to the complex? I think it's that one, but maybe things are just black and white? I'm fed up with grey.



Much love, and see you all in december
xxxx
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